Oh No You Can't...format

My Dearest Writer,

I can not say this kindly, so I will get to the point. You are a writer, NOT a formatter.

Please don't f*** with word. I have PhD and am a ninja scholar in word. Please just let me do it. Don't push the tab button... no..,no..,no.,no, no,no,no,no!

.epub laughs at you and .mobi just gets confused to the point that it won't publish your book.

"But it looks great in PDF!"

Okay, but PDF is only good for fix page size. Do you have a kindle? Have you put a PDF on your kindle? Looks like *shit* doesn't it?

I love you, dear writer, so... if you absolutely MUST, give me your word file that you think looks like crappy text and ALSO give me a PDF of how you'd like for it to look.

Just let me do the formatting please. No double spaces because this one line needs to be with the other block of text. No hitting tab, no using bullets! And the bullets/tab combo is really a pain in the ass. Your adorable images at the top of every chapter...THEY AREN'T PART OF THE HEADING! Please just use normal style and click the center button on word after you insert the picture. No, you may not use drop caps. No you may not section break at odd places. NO YOU MAY NOT FORMAT YOUR BOOK!!